Sunday, January 01, 2006

Depressed Blogger doesn't blog...

I found out that it's hard to blog when I am depressed. It has not been a merry christmas and it has not really been a happy new year. I am anxious. Anxious for the future and the going ons. Of course, I know I sound extremely self centred. Christmas was to celebrate the glorious day when Jesus was born. The celebrations was for the hope and eternal peace that Jesus offered if we come to Him. So I really have no business to be sad and depressed, but I just can't help it. Indeed, after these few years of being a Christian and religiously attending church week after week, I am still very much a self centred being. That is something that I am depressed about, on top of the real reasons for me feeling depressed and uncertain.

Happy New year? What so happy about the new year?

I have been on leave for the past 2 weeks, and during these period, I try to contemplate my life. Well, most of these contemplation period usually ends up on the bed or in front of the TV. During these two weeks, Pontian Salted Fish has been working non stop, weekend and even today. Perhaps that actually plunged me into deeper depression.

To cut a long story short, my parents suggested during the Christmas holiday that I should seriously consider moving to Scotland. To stay and work there with my sister, who has been there for quite some time. They even enlisted the help of Pontian Salted Fish to persuade me. That is how all things started. To say that this caused the depression is a little unfair and inaccurate. But me and Pontian Salted Fish did went into several serious disagreement and verbal shouting on this issue. She favours me going over there (together with her) while I am still undecided.

There are many things in my mind right now. Prior to Christmas, it was decided that we shall move back to JB for good. Find a job there, start a family and settle down. That was our intention. In fact, we went around JB visiting all the sales offices and viewing all the houses. We were lucky to have Sun Mei accompanying us. Without her, we would be lost. Thank you Sun Mei.

And now, it seems we have another option. Sometimes I wonder, if options are good. All our plans just got messed up! Pontian Salted Fish strongly favours me (us) moving over there. She has her own valid reasons for moving there (shall elaborate on another post) and as for me, I feel very heavy hearted to leave this country.

For me, I feel that I will be alone. I will miss my family and frens. I will miss everything that is in this country. Once over there, I feel that the chances of me coming back will be minimal. Even if I am to return in 5 to 10 years time, will I be able to pick up from where I left off here? What about setting up a family? We are not young, and would I be able to survive with a child there? Can we wait for another 5 years before having the first child? Would my child be able to move back with us and adept to the local school here if we have a child there? If I were to come back in 10 years time, what else is here(M'sia) for me? Isn't those who is suppose to die, would have already died? Realistically, how much could we actually gain and how much we would actually lost during those 5 - 10 years in a foreign land?

There are many tales of sufferings in a foreign land by people who went there. There are also many who succeeded in a foreign land and brought back many blessings (usually financial) to those in homeland.

Should we go or should we not?

Perhaps we have jump the gun in being depressed with all these, when it is still unsure yet on whether we would be able to find a job there and such.

Wise men out there, need some feedback on this. :(