Paragraph that bothers me....

Was attending sermon last Sunday in CBC. The content wasn't that engaging, although it was good enough for me not to fall asleep. But there is one verse (or section) that caught my attention and troubles me for the whole week -

3:1 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. 9 But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men.

2 Timothy 3:1-9

Ask my good brother Berto (a Bible expert although he could be sleeping through most of the time) on what the verse is trying to say and the context. But seriously, whatever the context and the interpretations, doesn't really take away the 'fear' and 'troubles' within me.

It seems to me the paragraph describes a person that is so much like me. It seems this verse is directed to me by God. It troubles me greatly that there is a small voice within me that keep yelling at me...telling me that I am exactly that kind of person as described.

• " .... having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.."

I do have the appearance of being godly, let see. Everyone around me know that I am a Christian. I say grace during meal. I attend church weekly. I am not ashame in telling people about God. I take painful care about projecting a Godly image and behaviour, with the hope that people will take notice and perhaps one day, they will open up and I will get the opportunity to share the Gospel. The fact that all these efforts are painfully 'orchestrated' and projected does bothers me. I am confused whether these behaviour are the outward flow of the inward faith OR am I trying to coverup what is lacking internally through the external projections of faith?

Why would I suspect the latter to be the case? Simple, there are many times where I just don't believe God will intervene. These occasions of disbelieve usually occurs during prayer time at the church or cell. So tell me, isn't this considered as - "denying its power"...?

Sad and worried.

• "... always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.."

Yes, I read books. I could stay at Borders and read books at the Religion section for hours. I am seriously attracted to apologetics although I can be lazy at times. I am very much a beginner but I have never let go of opportunity to learn more. But there are many times where I felt that as much as I have gain in knowledge, my wisdom (if you could measure that..) has barely rise a mil (mil - millions of an inch). By the way, if any of you reading there would like to buy or lend me this Book, I would appreciate greatly, whoa hahaha.....

sigh, it will take some time before the above para slowly fades away from my mind. In the meantime, these two verse will constantly hovers around my head ....

Sorry folks! I am back...(shiok sendiri...as if I have many readers)

Sigh... Have not been updating my blog for so long. I have always believe, the moment I start blogging, I am basically back to normal - emotionally and mentally that is. Many things had happened to me, my gf and my family during these difficult 2 months. It was indeed an eventful period of my life, where there were plenty of tears, laughter, heartache, emotional roller coaster and at the same time gladness.

I am glad that I started blogging again. At the very least, I could write in my blog what I do not wish to mention to others. It is through my blog where I could write, discuss, criticise and rant without any sort of restrictions whatsoever. I find this extremely therapeutic. It helps me to arrange my line of thoughts in a better way, and allow me to see things in a more objective manner. Yes, yes, I know some of you would like to suggest me to pray instead of write. But come on, can't I write first before I pray? Sometimes my mind is so mess up that I don't even know how to begin praying. And even when I pray, by the time I say Amen!, I would have forgotten some of the things which I have prayed during the minute long prayer!

Previously, I have always forwarded my blog address to cell members and friends and I think that was a grave grave mistake. Hopefully, most of them would have now forgotten about me having a blog.

But if you know me personally and you are reading my blog, please respect my privacy and treat me as KaKiaYam. You are still welcome to comment, but I don't expect you to spread what I am writing here to others. You can engage me and have arguments, but all these must only take place in this blog and not outside of it. Unless I am the one who start talking about it. If you are not alright with this arrangement, stop visiting my blog, start one of your own. I hope that does not sound arrogant, but I consider this the last bastion of my privacy, if you get what I mean.

Shit, even as I am writing this, I have already start regretting it. But like I said, this is a place where I think and write ALOUD. I may be sorry for what I have said, but I would not regret it. Can someone regret about what he said or did? What's the point and purpose of regretting anyway?.... as if things would be different. I would rather be sorry than to regret of things past.

So make your decision. What you read may probably be UNpleasant but it is at least an honest view of things. My point of view, that is. Everyone is a hypocrite to a certain level, but I will try to be damn honest in this blog. The only problem is whether you can accept and accommodate that. If you find you cannot do so, then just stop visiting this blog. Don't even attempt to tolerate my writing, cause you will end up bursting and confront me of what I wrote.

Is this warning fair enough?